How can you find a new purpose after leaving the military?

Why do veterans lose their sense of purpose after the military?

Because in uniform, purpose was part of the package. For me personally, I worked my ass off to become a Marine. It was in no way guaranteed to me, and I worked my ass off to become a pilot. That wasn't given to me either. Once I had that identity, I knew who I was and I knew what my purpose was. I knew my day-to-day mission and who I was looking out for: my fellow Marines, my fellow aviators and the people on the ground I was supporting on air-to-ground missions.

Then you get out, and the mission, the people and the identity all go at the same time. Most of us don't notice the purpose piece right away, because the first thing we do is look for certainty. We get a job, we replace the paycheck, we get our feet under us.

Then, after we've been at that job for six months or so, the question shows up. Wait a minute, where's my purpose? How come I don't feel like I'm giving back the way I was before? It's a real dilemma, and the way most of us try to solve it is by leaving that job to go look for purpose somewhere else.

Why is it so hard to find purpose after the military?

Here's the trap. Everyone says "find your purpose" as if it's an object waiting somewhere out there. That framing leaves you searching outside of yourself, which just isn't how it works.

So we look for it in the next job, then the next one. We look for it in a cause, a degree, a move across the country. Some of those might be great, but if you're expecting any of them to hand you a purpose, you'll probably end up asking the same question again a year later.

I've noticed the pattern changes shape more than it changes direction. Right after we get out, it's job, job, job, because we're trying to replace the certainty we lost. A little later the picture switches to purpose, purpose, purpose. It's the same move both times: looking out there for something that has to come from in here.

Nobody finds their purpose. You build a person, and the purpose grows out of that person.

Where did our purpose come from in the military?

It's worth looking at how the military did it, because they did it in a very specific order.

I remember being in the squad bay every night. After we made our beds, we'd look across at the person on the other side, slap the bed and say "Honor, courage, commitment. Honor, courage, commitment." What was that doing? It was putting values into every one of us, values that would carry us through.

Then they built an identity on top of those values. You became a Marine, a soldier, a sailor, an airman. Then they gave you standards, the everyday proof of that identity: how to stand, how to wear the uniform, showing up early, keeping your word. They inspected those standards constantly, and purpose came out of all of it.

Values, then identity and standards, then purpose. When we get out, most of us try to jump straight to the last step and skip the first three. No wonder it doesn't stick.

How do you build a sense of purpose after the military?

You rebuild it in the same order, except this time you're the one doing the building.

Start with your values. Some of the military's values might truly resonate with you, otherwise why would you have joined in the first place? It's okay to take those with you. It likely won't be everything, though. Sit down, go through the values you picked up in the military and the ones you've added since, and circle the three to five that matter most to you.

Then put them in order, because the order matters too. Say you value honesty and you also value connection with the people you Love. Being brutally honest doesn't always help with connection. I'm absolutely saying be honest, and a bit of tact goes a long way. Knowing which value wins when two of them pull against each other tells you a lot about who you're becoming.

Decide who you want to become. What kind of person lives those values every day? An exercise I come back to all the time is picturing myself way in the future, sitting on my front porch as an old man, and having a conversation with that person. What did they refuse to compromise on? What did they do every day that made them who they are?

Turn it into habits. This is the part that makes it real. A value without a standard is just a nice sounding word, and a standard only counts if you keep it. When I started building daily habits to reinforce who I wanted to become, including the business I wanted to develop, that's when the magic started to happen for me.

Do that long enough and something grows out of it, especially if the person you're growing into is one who serves other people. That's purpose. It comes from within, and nobody can issue it to you or take it away.

What if I still don't feel a sense of purpose?

Then do the habit anyway. I mean it. Name one habit that belongs to the person you're becoming, and do it every day whether you feel purposeful or not. It's the consistency that makes it real.

The feeling tends to show up late. You'll be a few weeks in, living a little more like the person you described, and one day you'll notice you're not asking "where's my purpose?" as often. That's how it works for a lot of us.

It also helps to stop measuring yourself against the purpose you had in uniform. Flying air-to-ground missions with Marines on the ground counting on you is a hard thing to match. You don't have to match it. You get to build something that fits who you are now, and that one is yours.

If you haven't read them yet, I wrote about why so many of us feel lost after getting out and about using your first civilian job as a tool. Both are part of the same picture.

What can you do this week?

1. Circle your top values. Go through the values the military gave you and any you've picked up since, and circle three to five that matter most.
2. Put a "because" next to each one. Why does it matter to you? If one is a means to something else (money usually is), write down what it gets you.
3. Name one habit that belongs to the person you're becoming, and do it every day this week whether you feel purposeful or not.
4. Find people who are building it too. You can browse peer support organizations on Prize, and if the thing you want to build is a business, organizations that help veteran entrepreneurs. You decide who you reach out to.
5. Listen to someone who rebuilt it. Josh Zabler's episode of the Prize Podcast is about a Marine finding purpose after the mission, and David Alercia's is about a Marine who went from PTSD to building a nonprofit for veterans.

You don't have to find it this week. You just have to start building the person it grows out of.